Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
