I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
