Duck Duck Cougar?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
