Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
