I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
