my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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