**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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