We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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