My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
