A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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