What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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