Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
