At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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