someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
