dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
