I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
