Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
