and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i think i have two assholes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
