Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
