I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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