did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
