I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
