My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
