Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Drunk is not a location!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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