Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
