You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
