woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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