I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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