i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
