Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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