Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
