so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
