I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
