Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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