Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
