my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
