feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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