Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
