After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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