You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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