The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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