No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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