Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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