I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
