We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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