Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
