i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
