shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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