Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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