Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
