I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
