i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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