i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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